Many single women I know fear “dying alone and getting found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs”, as Bridget Jones so blatantly put it. And for women approaching their 30s, that fear is multiplied, thanks to the sobering fact that their mates are getting hitched and popping cute babies one after the other. But not these women, who are dealing with singlehood just fine. Don’t get me wrong, they still harbour hopes of getting married, face enormous pressure from family and friends (think endless streams of advice and matchmaking sessions) and yes, they do have occasional bouts of loneliness. But unlike many, they’re not hung up about dating and don’t feel the need to go on a “manhunt”, be it going for regular dating events or going out with as many men as they possibly can. Here’s why.
The Idealist
Content producer Fay Sim, 28, believes her Mr Right is somewhere out there. And until he arrives, she refuses to settle for any less.
“People I meet for the first time think of me as a social butterfly – I’m open, chatty and friendly to everyone. Even my close guy friends consider me a real ‘bro’. But when it comes to relationships, it’s an entirely different story. I’m very careful when it comes to choosing a boyfriend.
Some years back, I used to have a 24-point checklist for my potential husband, which included things like having clean toenails, being articulate, having a global perspective on things and being able to withstand the perils of Singapore’s public transport system.
I chucked the list after a while as I felt that it was, well, too restrictive. But even then, I still have pretty exacting standards. For instance, when I meet a guy, I always try to visualise if we’ll look good as a couple when we walk down the street hand-in-hand. This means he has to be bigger-built than my 1.7m frame, have thick black hair and fair skin. Looks aside, he needs to be family-oriented and a ‘people person’; someone who’s comfortable around children and the elderly. He must also be able to hold intelligent and meaningful conversations.
And if I can’t ‘see’ us being together, I won’t give him a chance at all.
I know my requirements make me sound idealistic, but that’s because I would rather wait for my Mr Right than commit to relationships ‘Wi-Fi’ style – being open to anyone who’s somewhat compatible with me. The only concession I’ll make – and this is only if I’m still single in my mid-30s – is that he doesn’t have to be a looker. Everything else stands.
The closest I came to being in a relationship was in 2010. I met this guy in a language class and we hit it off quite well. We chatted online regularly and went to exhibitions together. All was going well until he wanted to define our relationship after just a few months.
I was scared at how fast things were moving and, after some thought, I realised that I wasn’t emotionally and physically attracted to him. So, I ‘ended’ things and I haven’t gone out with anyone since.
I’m most aff ected by stories of couples who cheat because of a communication breakdown, so being able to communicate well with my partner is important to me. And I believe this is how I’ll know instinctively when I’ve found The One: He’ll be able to communicate with me on a deeper level than anyone else can, and we’ll be able to share our most intimate thoughts and emotions.
And no, I’m not the sort who gets envious when I see couples on the streets. Life turns out differently for everyone, right? Sometimes I wonder what it’ll be like if I’m single forever – I reckon I’ll grumble about it every now and then, but I’ll be contented in the end. It’s easy to dwell on the downside of singlehood and ask myself questions like ‘Am I not good enough?’ But I choose not to. I banish the self-pity and shower love on my family and close friends instead. Life is about loving and being loved, even if there isn’t a Mr Right beside me.”
The Fan girl
Pauline Chua, 28, an account manager, has never had a guy confess his feelings to her. But instead of fretting over her love life – or rather, the lack of one – she prefers to seek solace in her J-pop and K-pop idols.
“Never cry over a man’ – this was what I told myself at 16, after I wept for two days when the fi rst guy I had a crush on got together with another girl. Since then, I’ve had my fair share of unrequited love.
Just earlier this year, a close male friend gave me the impression that he was interested in me after he bought me gifts and sent me home after work occasionally. Some weekends, we’d also hang out and have dinner together. But a few months later, while we were texting each other, he casually dropped the news that he’d recently got attached, so I decided to move on.
Episodes like these have cooled my enthusiasm for love. I generally don’t make the fi rst move or go for dating events – you’re less likely to get hurt if you don’t raise your expectations.
And until the right man comes along, I’m finding satisfaction in other things– specifically, my obsession with J-pop and K-pop.
It started in 2007, when I attended a concert by now-defunct boy band DBSK. I was captivated and started listening to and reading about K-pop and J-pop bands. Over time, I became a huge fan of these groups, especially Japanese boy band Arashi.
Most of my weeknights are spent on Tumblr, Twitter and Weibo devouring news, videos and photos of my favourite groups like Kanjani 8 and Big Bang. On weekends, when I’m not out with my girlfriends, I watch and re-watch idol dramas and variety shows.
I even upload videos of myself doing song covers to Facebook. Every now and then, fellow fan girls and I will stake out VIP terminals at the airport – complete with life-size banners of our idols – for a good two hours, or scream our lungs out in the mosh pit at sold-out concerts.
My obsession with J-pop and K-pop has brought me great friendships: I’ve become good pals with fellow fan girls, in the same way that men bond over soccer. My mum urges me to be less engrossed with J-pop and K-pop because she thinks men won’t take me seriously. I’ll admit, there are men who are put off by such things, but I don’t think I’m a lost cause. After all, I know of couples who started dating after joining the same fan club. Above all, I feel that a man should love me for who I am – and that includes the fan girl in me. I used to want to get married by 27, but since I’ve passed that age, I’ve chucked that wish. If love comes, it comes. And even though I’m attending more weddings and baby showers these days, I’m not envious or depressed because I love my life right now.
I’ll admit: I don’t think that having an idol as a ‘boyfriend’ beats having a real one. I’m definitely open to dating if an interested guy comes along. But until that opportunity arises, I’ll continue to immerse myself in the joy that these bands and their music bring to me.”
The Lois Lane
Assistant engineer Serene Ho, 30, had a less-than-perfect childhood and has struggled with her father’s financial problems. As a result, she seeks a “Superman”, a man who is stronger, smarter and more financially stable than she is – but men of that ilk are elusive.
“Growing up, my parents had a strained relationship. My grandma used to tell me that my parents wanted to split up early on in their marriage, but stuck together for my sake (I’m the eldest child). Love lesson number one: A relationship should be based on love and commitment – it shouldn’t be an obligation, like it was for my folks.
As a teenager, I saw how my parents would always argue over money. After my mum passed away when I was in secondary school, it was my turn to nag at my dad to pay our school fees and household bills – which he never did. Once, we almost got evicted from our flat because we couldn’t afford the monthly loan payments. I remember feeling so scared and helpless, and wishing that someone would come to my rescue.
These have made me yearn for a ‘Superman’, someone to take care of me. It’ll be great if he’s a looker like Henry Cavill, but more importantly, he has to be someone I’m comfortable being around with, someone who’ll assuage my insecurities. He has to be able to pay his bills and live within his means, with enough savings for emergencies. It would be good if he could also be around to help fend off nagging relatives during Chinese New Year, who constantly remind me that it’s time to settle down and start a family.
I haven’t met a guy like that yet, though to be fair, I haven’t always been on the lookout. I spent most of my teenage years and my 20s working so I could support my family as my father wasn’t able to do so. He worked on and off , doing odd jobs like being an air-con technician or coordinator. Back then, I had no time or interest in guys, and rejected at least five suitors within six years. Some were really annoying – like this guy who would constantly message me, try to sit beside me at group gatherings and insist on sending me home. Others were sweet and more difficult to turn down, like the one who would buy me medicine whenever I was sick, deliver food cravings to me at midnight and send flowers to my house.
These days, the money situation at home is better as my younger sister has started working. I’m finally able to keep an eye out for a guy. But not many men fit my bill. As a teen, I had hoped to get married by 25, but these days, I don’t think about ‘deadlines’ anymore. I’m definitely a little afraid of being single for life, but I won’t settle for someone who’s not right for me.
My friends say I’m still single because I have high standards, and I agree. I’m looking for a man who can cater to my physical, emotional and financial needs. This ensures that I’m well taken care of – why should I lower the bar?”
Miss Independent
AMANDA*, a 27-year-old media officer, thinks that love doesn’t have to be the romantic sort. She finds it through caring for others around her.* Name has been changed.
I’m an introvert and take a lot of time to warm up to people. Th at could be why I’ve never been asked out on a second date – even though I’ve gone out with seven or eight guys since my undergraduate days. Or, it could be that there was no chemistry between us.
I’m not that bothered because I’ve found love in other ways – through volunteering and caring for the people around me. After all, my mantra when it comes to love and relationships has always been, ‘It’s better to give than to receive’.
I’ve always felt this innate desire to help people. I volunteered to teach underprivileged Cambodian kids how to read and count while I was at university, and it gave me a lot of satisfaction. It also convinced me that there are different kinds of love – it doesn’t just exist between a man and woman; we can also experience love through giving. Lots of people have looked at me as if I’m insane when I share my concept of love – that in giving it, we receive it – but for me, that’s how it is.
My dream is to do volunteer work overseas, say, moving to Myanmar to help orphans. And the man I settle down with has to respect my passion.
Of course, it would be nice to have a companion, and I do hope to settle down and have kids. But even if that never happens, I won’t be fazed. The fear of being single for life isn’t strong enoug to make me lower my standards of what
I look for in a partner. My standards reflect who I am – compromising on them won’t be fair to me or my partner.
Finding the right person is definitely more important than getting married by a certain age. I’ll only enter a relationship if I meet a guy who understands me, is honest with me and shares my passion for volunteer work. And until we cross paths, I’ll continue to love and receive love from those around me.”
This story was first published in Her World magazine, September issue.