If you want your children to be better-mannered, you must insist on it and make it a priority. This is really where it all starts. "Being well-mannered and having positive communication skills are important, and as parents, you have to see it that way," says Clara Tan, founder of Molly Manners, which teaches children etiquette and social skills. "When you have that conviction and awareness, helping your kids cultivate good manners comes spontaneously."
The sooner you start, the better. "I always say 'start small and start young'," says Kristen Graff, managing partner of etiquette school Manners In Mind. "You can teach kids as young as three, basics like 'please' and 'thank you'. Just encourage them to use these often and from there you can build up to bigger things."
But whatever you do, avoid forcing it on the children. It won't help your kids one bit. Eunice Tan, founder of Image Flair Academy of Modern Etiquette, believes that children will only behave better if they understand why they need to act that way.
RAISING WELL-MANNERED KIDS
If you're at a loss as to how you can improve your kids' manners, these practical tips may help:
Show and teach. Set aside time to teach your kids how adults should be addressed, how to dine politely, how to make introductions and accept compliments. Be strict, especially when it comes to your kids' use of gadgets. When attending family functions, eating out or doing a family activity, for instance, implement a "no-gadget" policy and make sure your kids follow this rule, so they'll learn to pay attention. Tell your kids the rationale behind the norms, and explain how their manners affect others.
Make it fun. Be creative, and remember that good manners help us get along and enjoy one another's company. Let your kids associate proper manners with positive feelings and with making others feel good and comfortable.
Practise what you preach. Kids observe and copy what their elders do, so be a positive role model for them. Say "please", "thank you" and "excuse me", observe your own "no-gadget" rule during family meals and conversations, and don't interrupt others when they're speaking. When teaching kids about dining etiquette, make every meal a polite affair and enforce table manners at even the most casual home meal. Let them practise at home, sheltered from the pressures of dining out. Your child will not eat politely at, or enjoy, a formal dinner if they don't practice the basics – napkin on the lap, elbows off the table, chewing politely, not reaching across others for the food and so on – everyday.
Start early and keep it simple. Don't overwhelm your little ones with a barrage of constant reminders. Start with the basics, then as they grow older, you can introduce more "advanced" rules like "no slouching", "eat with your mouth closed" and "look at others when they speak to you".
Get help. Enrol your children in an etiquette class with friends. They may be more likely to accept advice from someone else, especially if it's given in a non-threatening, group environment. Most etiquette classes cover a range of topics, including making a good first impression, deportment, positive body language, respectful communication.
This article was originally published in Simply Her July 2014.