1 Be certain a problem really exists.
Because money is a taboo topic, don’t create an awkward situation by jumping to conclusions too quickly. Gather enough evidence first. “If there’s just one red flag, then I don’t think you should jump the gun and have a serious conversation about it,” says Anthony Saccaro, president of Providence Financial.
But he adds that since you probably know roughly what your loved one makes and spends, “you kind of know what financial position they’re in”. So if you feel that things aren’t adding up, don’t ignore your intuition.
2 See if they bring it up first.
“You have to listen to tip-offs – things that people say which warn you there could be a problem,” Anthony says. “If people mention something to the effect that they’re living cheque to cheque, or that they’re behind on their mortgage, or that they’re running up credit card debt, or if you’re inviting a friend to the movies and they don’t have the money to go, then that is a red flag.”
If they bring up money worries, it could be their way of asking for help. That opens the door for you to say something, says Jacquette Timmons, a financial behaviourist and the author of Financial Intimacy: How to Create a Healthy Relationship with Your Money and Your Mate.
3 Try reaching out.
“I would apply what I call the three-touch-point rule,” says Jacquette. “Make overtures to help out either through enquiries or sharing your own story.” The third time, be more direct, she suggests.
You could try saying: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been going out a lot and buying this and that. I have a good sense of how much you earn and what your overhead is, and I’m concerned you’re putting yourself in a bad situation. Is there anything I can do to help?” If they say no, just leave it at that, because if you keep pushing, you run the risk of that person shutting down.
4 Start with your own story.
If it seems your friend is ready to talk, then show that you empathise. “Talk about when you struggled financially yourself – say, ‘It wasn’t always like this for me’,” advises Anthony.
Jacquette suggests you also explain how you turned things around for yourself. You can tell them about your current habits or steps you’ve taken to get to your current situation. “I would share the top three things you do to stay on top of your own money. Share what you do that keeps you, on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month basis, in a healthy situation.”
5 Be clear that your intention is to help, not judge.
Tone is really important here. “It’s not what you ask so much as how you ask it,” says Anthony.
Adds Jacquette: “I think the issue is more about the intention behind it – are you doing it to help this person or because you’re coming from a space of, ‘I know it all, and you should be doing it this way’?”
6 Offer to be their accountability partner.
You can offer to help them get on the right path, says Jacquette. Set up a goal, schedule check-ins and commit to keeping them motivated. During your check-in, you could say: “You said you would do X and you didn’t do X. What’s going on?”
7 Determine whether help will be best received from yourself, another friend or family member, or a professional.
Sometimes you won’t be the best person to offer help. In those situations, consider whether your friend might be more open to receiving help from someone else.
Jacquette, for example, offers to act as a go-between for her friends with their children. “One of the things I’ve said to my friends with children is, ‘What do you want me to tell your child?’. They may not go to their parents but to their parents’ close friends, so I could pass along what my friends would want to tell them.”
If you decide the best person for your friend to talk with is a professional, refer him or her to someone. “Say ‘I know so-and-so’,” suggests Jacquette.
This article was originally published in Simply Her October 2014.