OUR EXPERTS:
Vanessa Marin, sex and relationship counsellor in San Francisco
Martha Tara Lee, clinical sexologist from Eros Coaching
DON'T MAKE SEX ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT ALL THE TIME
Of course you want to maximise your chances of getting pregnant, but allow yourself the flexibility to have sex at less opportune times too. A lot of women who are trying for a baby end up scheduling sex only for when they're at the right stage in their menstrual cycle. This can make sex start to feel like a chore. It also helps to think "lovemaking" instead of "sex", and "creating a family" instead of "falling pregnant". By taking a more organic approach and honouring the sacredness of the act, you reduce the pressure on yourself to get in the mood.
IT'S ALL MIND OVER MATTER
Your brain is your biggest sex organ so give yourself a bit of a pep talk. Believe that you can turn yourself on and challenge yourself to reach a state of arousal. Use fantasy, stimulation or whatever gets your body revved up. It's easy when you're comfortable with your sexuality and your body, and know what you need and want when it comes to sex. Do also remember to give yourself time to warm up. A lot of women need 15-20 minutes to get aroused. If you turn down sex because you don't immediately feel like it, you are cutting off your potential for arousal.
FOCUS ON CONNECTING WITH YOUR HUBBY
Trying to get pregnant is an exciting time, but it can also be very stressful. You may be worried about your fertility or nervous about being a parent. It's hard to feel aroused when you're anxious, so make sure you and your husband focus on each other and prioritise spending quality time together.
TAKE IT SLOW
You don't have to want to have sex in order to feel turned on – arousal for arousal's sake can still happen. All you have to do is allow it to take place. So, rather than forcing yourself to be aroused when you're not, just surrender to your husband and let yourself get lost in the physical and emotional sensations. Receive and reciprocate his touch, and revel in your lovemaking experience. As you open up to him, you will slowly start to feel your sexual desire building up.
GET TO THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE
It's normal to not be up for sex every now and again. But if your libido is really taking a hit, you may want to ask yourself why. Are you mentally stressed from work? Have you been having trouble emotionally connecting with Hubby? Are body image concerns getting you down? Are you just physically exhausted? Once you figure out what's affecting your sex drive, you can start to address these problems individually and work on reclaiming your mojo.
EXPERIMENT AND HAVE FUN
You may look forward to sex more if you switch things up a bit. Is there anything new or exciting you'd like to try with your husband, like a fun sex toy, perhaps, or a different position? You might even find yourself super turned-on from having sex in some other part of the house. Discuss your desires with your man – and listen to his, too – so you can make your next sex session one you will never forget. And remember, whatever the outcome – good, bad or "meh" – the important thing is to have a positive attitude about it, by keeping it light and fun.
ENGAGE WITH YOUR BODY IN OTHER WAYS
Some women who are trying to get pregnant report feeling like their bodies are just "baby factories". Try to maintain a healthy relationship with your body by doing exercises that you enjoy, pampering your skin with nice bath products or getting regular massages.
This article was originally published in Simply Her November 2014.